Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
