I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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