Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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