My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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