I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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