My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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