Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
You can't motorboat a personality
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
