I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize