I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
