My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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