If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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