I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
