It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Actions speak louder than pants.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
