i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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