i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize