chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
It's not a walk of shame if you run
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
