she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
