I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
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