the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
