Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
this beer tastes like vomit already
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
This toilet bowl is my home.
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