Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
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