Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize