Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
