this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
