I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
there is glitter all over my balls
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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