is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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