What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
If I die, sorry about rent.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
