I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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