I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
