maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
