he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Randomize
