I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
