Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
