New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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