Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
