can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize