i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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