I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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