my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
