I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
