Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
