best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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