She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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