Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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