The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
