my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
