did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
