I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
