Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
