Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
there is glitter all over my balls
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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