How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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