She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Randomize
