my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
