great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
