I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
