the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Everything about him screamed your future.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
