if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
