My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
