u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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